No Soliciting

I hate anyone who rings my front door bell trying to sell me something. Well, except for neighbor kids selling anything for school. I buy that all day long and I like to think all my neighbors know that. But I’m talking about the fellow who rings my bell and says, “good evening, I’m with ACME GENERAL and we’re working right down the street, you know, at your neighbor Bill Johnson’s house, to get rid of his pesky rat problem, and since we’re already in your neighborhood I can give you ten percent off on a full home inspection. Can I come inside and get started?”

Now I don’t know any “Bill Johnson”, and I’m not interested in a rodent service or a roof inspection, or a window salesman, but these kind, just like the door-to-door politicians (don’t get me started), have learned to not take “no” for an answer. So I’ve stepped up my game and now open the door and with the meanest voice I can muster say, “not interested” while quickly closing the door in their face without even hearing what they might be pedaling.

Here’s how I see it, this is America, a land flowing with milk and honey and guns. Americans certainly love our guns - more than our children, our gods, or even the ‘publicans so exactly why it would break some stupid law to answer my own front door, on my own property, with my guns blazing for the good of humanity is a mystery to me? I know lots of folk who pretend the United States Constitution was handed directly from Moses to George Washington and is therefore “perfect” and that ain’t so otherwise no roof salesman would dare ring my door at supper time four nights a week. The persistent would be dead and the smarter ones would learn from it. A kind of, self-regulating ecosystem.

These are all just more steps on the long road to becoming a grizzled old codger who yells at everyone and kicks puppies along the way. As a concession to my poor wife, who can’t seem to be rude to anyone, and who seems perfectly willing to let her broccoli get cold while she listens to whatever sales pitch the latest dumbass spews, I agreed to install this signage on our house as the more genteel first step before I begin blasting them all to smithereens.